President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French


President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.


BATON ROUGE, LA. ­ The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.
"This is a bold step forward for America,said Bush. And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Chirac, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.
"Jack understands full well that this one's a fixer upper," said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."
The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"
However, President Bush¹s decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."
"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

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Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby."

What's Your Star Wars Pickup Line?

Oprah can bite my ass. Saying that she knew the difference between the store being closed and the store being closed "to her". I bet you one million dollars that she has never worked a day of retail in her life. The store had been closed for 15 minutes and yes people were still shopping inside but I am sure the employees were encouraging those patrons to leave also. Be on your feet for 12 hours listening to shitheads complain that you don't have this or the other store had it for less. After 12 hours of assholes talking down to you, you have had enough. I applaud the employee who stood up and said "NO, WE ARE CLOSED!". SOLIDARITY! PEOPLE OF RETAIL (including former retail slobs) UNITE!! JUST SAY NO!

And to think 1)they had to undergo sensitivity training
2)the VP of the company had to go on Oprah and apologize

It is just freaking ridiculous!!!

OK I'm done. Of course Oprah would have probably spent a couple of thousand dollars. Dumb retail slob.

(Long Post)
On a lighter note:

Things I hate with a passion:

Moving. I hate the whole process, packing, lifting, cleaning, loading, unloading, and unpacking. I just realized as I sit here I have my lips in a sneer and my shoulders hunched just thinking about it! Urggggggg!

Spiders. I mean come on. Do we really need them? Sure they eat bugs. So do lizards, dogs, cats, etc. We have that part covered.

Whiny people. People who have always had it worse than you have and love to go into great detail about their woes. We have all had our crappy moments. Move on.

When people say "This is True". I don't know why, but it bugs me.

People who are mean to animals. Those people need to be put to sleep. With a shovel.

Things that make me happy:

My wife. Without her the rest is worthless. Making her laugh is what I live for.

A clean house. I love walking into my house and it is sparkling. Even better when I don't have to do it!

Puppies, kitten, dogs, cats, pretty much all domestic animals really. To have an animal walk up to you and just want my attention and affection makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Laughing outloud until tears stream down my face. There is only one person that can make me do that on a consistent basis. You know who you are Mr. Taint.

Great intelligent conversation. Being able to sit down and chat with someone who can challenge me to think in ways I normally wouldn't.

My Siblings-in-Law. I am the youngest of four. I wasn't close to my brothers or my sister growing up. Everyone reading most likely knows the stories. But when I met my loving wife I was lucky enough to get a gaggle of family with her. I now have a little sister and 3 little brothers, each of whom I am very proud of and love very much. Karlene has blossomed from a young lady to a wonderful mother whom I admire. Bryan has gone from a little punk that wouldn't leave me alone with his sister to a man that is caring, intelligent and strong. Phillip has always been and will always be the heart of the family who has his priorities straight and will be the one who will always be the the rock that we can all lean on. And then there is Tommy. The kid after my own heart. The youngest of the family, which I can empathize with, has a perchance for trouble. Goes his own way. The Rebel. I enjoyed tormenting him when he was younger and I love talking to him now. These "kids" have grown into adults that I respect and love.

Anyway enough mushy crap. I just wanted to let everyone know that I miss them and love you guys and can't wait to see you all soon.

I have come to the conclusion that man is not meant to "Weed-Whack" for extended periods of time. Let me explain. For some reason our lawnmower, which is less than a year old, has decided that it doesn't want to work any longer. And me being the mechanic that I am:
1) Made sure there was gas in it
2) Looked at the spark plug wire, unconnected it, blew on the end of it, and plugged it back in
3) Checked the oil, yeah it had some
4) Pulled on the starter cord about 700-800 times

And the son-of-a-bitch still wouldn't work!
After all that! Can you believe it? Anyway, I decided that I needed to at least trim along the house and edge of the yard to take down the weeds before that was all you could see. So out comes the weedwacker. Now the weedwacker was made in China so of course it is designed to fit a 5'3" person. I am 6' and have to hunch over this thing. So long story short, I spent a good couple of hours weed-whacking in a hunched position walking around my yard trying to even out the grass. It was about 1 1/2 hours into it when I realized just how white trash this must look. Hmmmm Fat guy, tanktop, hunched over weed-whacking his yard.

Man, I need some culture. Maybe there is a Monster Truck rally coming to town soon!