I am on a diet. Kinda. I have decided that I am going to eat salads for lunch. This was caused by an episode that I had the other night. I woke up around 11:30 in the PM with my left arm hurting like a son-of-a-bitch. In my semi-conscious state I thought "Damn, my arm hurts!” Then my eyes snapped open and the 2 words a fat man doesn't want to consider went through my mind...."HEART ATTACK!” I sat up straight in bed and started waiting for the chest pains. I started making deals with GOD. "OK GOD" I said, "If you make this go away I will finally listen to what the doctors have been saying and lose weight." I think that He took pity on me and thought that I had been scared thin. Fortunately there were no chest pains; instead I had a large dose of stomach-ache. I started thinking about what I had eaten that day....hmm.....Cheap Chinese food from the mall food court and Bean and Cheese burritos for dinner. Long story short I ended up ejecting the meals I had eaten that day and felt better. I am sticking to the salads for lunch idea and no more late night eating. Thank you GOD for not letting me die. Remember salads are good!

This is just funny!

These are the things I learned while living in Virginia:

1) The 2 Finger Wave. This isn't another way to flip people off; it is an actual greeting while driving. The first time this happened I looked at my wife and asked her if we knew that person. Apparently not. There are rules you have to follow when using this wave. Do not lift your hand off of the steering wheel. Do not wave at women. 90% of the time you will only wave at guys in trucks. And you can do the optional head nod, which is acceptable.
2) Virginia has huge ass bugs! I mean these things could lift small people up and take them away. And there are a shit-load of them. Do not turn on your porch light at night. TRUST ME!
3) People who grew up somewhere else and moved to Virginia have more of an accent than people who were born in Virginia. We had a neighbor who sounded a lot like Boomhauer from King of the Hill and he was from California. I really understood only about half of what he was saying. I ended up just smiling and nodding most of the time.
4) NASCAR Rocks! Well in the South anyway. You had better have a favorite driver, know his stats, and hate his rival. You better be prepared to discuss this at length at any given time. It is a must!
5) Apparently the South did not lose the Civil War, it is just on hiatus. The South will rise again so be prepared.

That's some of what I learned in Virginia. Kandy, if you want to chime in please feel free. Later!

I just heard the funniest thing! I was outside having a smoke with a co-worker (you know who you are). She looked at her hands, which were slightly stained with a certain tanning product, and said "It looks like I have been playing in my butt". I have not heard this expression before but it is apt. I shall now use that phrase. Thanks for a new fun thing to chuckle over!

Today is my lovely wife's birthday! I just want to proclaim to the world that I LOVE MY WIFE and SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!! I cannot imagine my life without her. I love you baby! Happy Birthday!

Just a few quick hits:

Did anyone see the Moon and Mars last night? It was incredible!

Kandy and I recently purchased a CD that I recommend very much. It is Darius Rucker's (Hootie of Hootie and The Blowfish fame) first solo effort. It is a really laid back R&B/Soul album. Not usually my cup of tea but WOW! There is a short (48 second) accapela version of Amazing Grace that blew me away! That song is so beautiful and when someone who can really sing gets a hold of it watch out!

I hate it when my computer doesn't do what it is supposed to do! We were trying to burn a few CD's for a co-worker last night and the damn computer just wouldn't cooperate. It kept telling me to insert a blank CD. It was blank you STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!! (happy thoughts...happy thoughts) Oh well we will try again tonight.

Later!

F.Y.I. I am a Non-Threatening Male. I was told this at work the other day by one of my female co-workers. It started me thinking. In my department at work there are only 2 guys and 5 women. They always say I am one of the girls. I see a trend here. Should I be concerned? When asked what she meant by the NTM remark, my co-worker said that she knows that she doesn't have to worry about me hitting on all of the girls at work. First of all, of course not, I am a happily married man. But wait; there is a little part of me that says "I'm just as much a man as the rest of them". It is a weird feeling. I am glad that the women at work feel comfortable around me but the Neanderthal in me wants to hit one of them over the head with a club and drag them back to my cave! don't know. I think it is a testosterone thing.

I have found my new purpose in life. Showing people "Office Space". It surprises me how many people have not seen it. It is now my duty to educate the people! And remember it is all about the flair!

OK, I am officially scared. The office in which I work is really turning into the office from "Office Space". Not only do we have casual Friday's (this week substituted by casual Thursday because we have visitors Friday) but we now have a banner. That's right a banner. This banner is flying proudly in front of our Operations Manager's (Lumberg) office proclaiming "FLAWLESS EXECUTION" and we will have an official signing of the banner on Friday. Yes that means we will all be signing this showing our commitment to "FLAWLESS EXECUTION". Does this seem creepy to anyone else? I mean this banner is HUGE! Oh and something else. Each department of our company is going to fill out and sign a "Contract" in regards to, you guessed it, "FLAWLESS EXECUTION". (Insert echo sound effect here) Who thinks up this shit? All I know if I am hanging on to my Fucking stapler!

This is an older story but still funny. The guy writing the letter is a underwater repairman for oil rigs. Read and enjoy.

Hi Sis:

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at
the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This
time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything
was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of
course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt
started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had
sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't
have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of
my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ."